Josiah was birthed into our family in November 2008, and he is an awesome treasure and blessing in our lives. After he was well into his 2nd year, we started trying to conceive again (June 2010). Two years have gone by now, and our inability to become pregnant again came as a surprise and an unforeseen trial that we did not plan for. Focusing our efforts on trusting God throughout the process has been another trial in and of itself. It seemed easier at times, but at other times was very difficult. The Lord has brought me (Andrea) through an emotional and spiritual journey that has been a big part of leading us to our decision for adoption. Throughout this time, I have drawn closer to the Lord. I did ask some "Why?" questions and was tempted to try to "fix" all I could (seeing the doctor, lab tests, exercise, eat right, manage my allergies better, sleep, etc.), but I never really got mad at God. After praying and firing all my requests up to heaven for a while, I began to long for a deeper intimacy (closeness) with God. My desire for intimacy through the process of dealing with infertility became one of my primary prayers. I wanted to know His heart for our situation and what He was trying to teach me. I knew the Lord was trying to show me something and stretch me.
In summer of 2011, I began going to a bible study with a good friend of mine named Miranda. The Lord really used the specific topics and discussions to begin to show me things He wanted me to know about Him, things to step out and do with the actions of my heart, and issues to have faith in Him about. I began to see more of the Lord’s mercy in all of His dealings and plans for us.
Since 2008, we have been members of Shady Grove Church in Grand Prairie, and we have had a specific heart to invest in the All Nations House Of Prayer (ANHOP), which is a separate building on the church property. During a time in the prayer room at ANHOP, I fell into a special moment of praising God “in all things” and thanking Him for being so merciful. I prayed for the grace to continue to have a tender heart toward Him and for help in changing my heart to trust in Him more. Our good friend, Aaron Cheuvront, was leading worship that morning. At the moment that I was talking to God about all this, he began to sing:
"All I want is just to know Your heart,
And would You keep me here until we're one.
It's the desire of my heart just to see You.
It's the desire of my heart just to know You.
It's the desire of my heart to be together.
My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings,
‘How I love You.’”
It was so perfect, peaceful, and timed by the Lord as an answer to my prayer. What a gift to my heart that the Lord would provide such beautiful words to sing to Him to express my heart’s desire to be close to Him!
At the time, I was also keeping up with the adoption process of some friends of ours from church, Jon and Tiffany Stewart. As I was reading their blog one day, I saw their link to a YouTube video about the song "Blessings" by Laura Story. WOW! What a deep song. This was exponentially encouraging to me as we were having difficulty getting pregnant.
One line in the song says, "What if trials in this life are Your mercies in disguise?" Sometimes the way we learn is from the hard things. We are not the ones in control, God is. He knows better, and His plans are better. The world cannot satisfy our deepest desires, but God can. Sometimes our trials or our longing for more remind us that this is not our home. We have an eternity to look forward to with the Lord. Our heart’s desire needs to be what is on the heart of God, and that is not always what we think it is or what we would expect. As we mentioned in previous blog entries, we had the thoughts and plans of someday adopting in our minds and hearts, but we were planning on at least one more biological child first. The Lord knows how to move our hearts toward what He has for us, and He uses situations in our lives to get us there sometimes. I didn’t realize until later, but the Lord was using our infertility to move our hearts and open our perspective to include what He has planned for us, i.e. adoption in His timing.
In the next post, I will explain a little further about my internal struggle and confusion related to the infertility and what God wanted me to do. I will explain how I found contentment and began to consider adoption even more seriously.